Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Stupid People (Serial No. 1)

I've noticed bloggers have taken to writing in topical series format to fight off running out of material. I'm not bright enough to write a series of columns on anything of substance, but I have plenty of insight into stupidity. Not only am I very experienced myself, I know many others -- not all of them blood-related -- whose habits they consider quirky and interesting actually illuminate the vast realm of human stupidity. Consider this the first in a running theme.

Stupid People: Rush-Hour Ron

You've seen Ron before. He gets around. He's the guy commuting in the Ford Excursion doing 95 with just enough brake room between the next car to squeeze Kate Moss through the difference. Ron is an obsessive lane changer, even though he's more interested in looking for that Nine-Inch Nails CD among the thousands in his collection because he doesn't feel aggressive enough. There could be 50 cars stopped in front of him, but Ron is thoughtful enough to honk his horn, because it's really the car in front of him that's holding everybody up. Besides, horn-honking is a scientifically-proven method for clearing clogged freeways, just like pushing an elevator button multiple times actually makes the elevator doors close faster and the car move upwards and downwards more briskly.

What you don't know about Ron is that he's not actually late for anything, although his driving might suggest otherwise. He just can't stand people that drive slow, although he maintains justifiable anger at anyone who might dare play bumper cars with him. He has little tolerance for people who are so brazen to mimic his driving style. If you attempt to speed up and get in front of him, he will match your speed. If you are gracious enough to pull in behind him, he will get lost in thought and slow down -- and then curse at you for driving to close too his bumper.

Because Ron spent quite a bit extra on safety features for his Excursion, he feels he's contributed to road safety for the masses. Although a slight bump from his Excursion would mangle most smaller cars, at least Ron and his occasional passengers will be safe. He has also splurged on halogen lights, which have been known to temporarily blind on-coming drivers from a distance of 2,000 feet while on "low beams," but he finds it difficult to not appreciate their x-ray-like features. Although the side mirrors on Ron's SUV could power a large telescope, he has not yet found a good use for them; he considers them more a part of the styling than of any practical use. Our boy is proud of the advanced braking system; his Excursion can stop on a dime, even though that dime might be in the back of someone else's trunk. Ron is especially proud his Excursion comes with "four-wheel on the fly," even though the vehicle has never seen a non-paved road -- or so much as a steep incline.

We have found the only thing that can truly make Ron slow down is an accident on the other side of the road. Ron, of course, has no intention of helping, he is just fascinated by the bad driving habits of other people. Bad drivers, according to Ron, are people that get into accidents. Thankfully, Ron is usually out in front of the crowd, so he doesn't have to stick around for the accidents he causes. His impatience has inspired some witty sayings, such as, "Red light - optional." Once, out of fear, a passenger suggested to Ron that "STOP" on the abruptly approaching stop sign was an acronym for "Step Toe On Pedal." Ron jested that it actually meant "Skid Tires On Pavement." He was surprised to learn, however, it actually means "State Trooper On Patrol."

I would like to welcome Ron as a charter member of Stupid People. Such an honor merits a discount for public transportation. We would like to encourage Ron to use it.

No comments: