Best "best week ever"

Maybe you're like me and decided if you're going to waste time with television, you don't want to mess around. And if you're like me, you like it when people talk about pop culture in a condescending way, to sort of offset the cooties you get from looking at the covers of magazines like People and Us.

If you're like me, you probably watch VH1's Best Week Ever, which now has a blog.

The thing I like about this show -- and its cousins, We Love the 70s, 80s, and 90s -- is it's filled with the Kurt Rambis Factor. By this, I mean the commentators are C- and D-list actors just collecting a paycheck.

If you're not familiar with NBA history, Kurt Rambis was a white guy in "Clark Kent" glasses who played for the great 80s Lakers teams. He wasn't a great player, but he was effective and he worked real hard. Fans loved him because, as he believed, most of them felt they could take him in a game of one-on-one.

I watch the Best Week Ever and think, "How can I get this job? I can do this! I can take these guys!" To prove it, I'm now going to steal topics from the Best Week Ever and offer up my own sarcastic observations compared to their sarcastic observations.

Um, don't try this at home.

The set up Jake Gyllenhaal swapped numbers with Mischa Barton at a recent party.
Their quip Strangely, they both share the number 555-5555.
My better quip It's not that Jake was trying to be seen, but he was wearing an "I'm not really a gay cowboy" t-shirt.

The set up The Killers are being sued for $16 million
Their quip Surprisingly however not by the Cure.
My better quip Jenny wanted to make sure they knew they were never friends.

The set up Roger Moore is standing up for new 007 Daniel Craig.
Their quip But who will stand up for Roger Moore?
My better quip He also stood up for three more martinis.

The set up Nicole Richie was seen holding hands with her ex-fiance, Adam Goldstein aka DJ AM.
Their quip This better work, because I'm still reeling from the failed Charlie Sheen/Denise Richards reconciliation.
My better quip They weren't really holding hands. Goldstein was propping Richie up so people could see she's still a three-dimensional figure.