I am not writing this letter to ask you for something, for the chubby devil in the red cape has nothing to offer a redeemed believer such as myself. I just wanted to let you know I'm in on this ruse of yours.
C.S. Lewis, in his Screwtape Letters, once suggested the devil's greatest trick was convincing people he didn't exist. I now realize the devil isn't hiding. He has cloaked himself in the "Spirit of Christmas."
After all, you can't spell SATAN without SANTA.
I only first learned of this horrible charade just 12 months ago, when, after leading a perfectly "good" year, I did not receive Doomed for PS2 as I had been led to believe. Your are not just a cheapskate, instead bringing me underwear and board games, you are a liar and a thief -- you brought me nothing and still had the nerve to eat the cookies and milk I left for you in good faith.
This led me to do an investigative report as part of my homeschool studies. I have uncovered more of your damning relationship to the horned one:
I have led my church youth group at the Apostolic Victory Spirtual Warfare Word of Faith Center and Chiropracty to take on the task to pray down the "Spirit of Christmas," that God might lift the veil of your deception around the world, and people would come to understand the true meaning of Christmas and birth of Christ: God is our only giver of good gifts, and we have the power to call on His blessing without your phony works-based faith.
We are currently seeking God to empower us with a SUV stretch limo for youth trips; buddy, I have faith that moves mountains, so surely God will see fit to give us a transport vehicle that can climb them with the air conditioning on full blast. I'd like to see you trump that one, fat boy.
Anyway, you are on notice and I suggest you just stick it out at your compound of darkness in the North Pole. We're going to be calling down the fire of God on you and I don't want innocent reindeer hurt in the process.
In Christ's love,
Paul Silas Holcomb
Youth Group peer apostle and prayer warrior,
The Apostolic Victory Spirtual Warfare Word of Faith Center and Chiropracty of Bethany, Okla.