Friday, December 30, 2005

Predictions for 2006

I'm not a prophet, so hold your stones. I'm a perceiver. By that, I mean I rush to assumptions based on sketchy, arbitrary obversations.

In another life, I'd be an economist.

Here are my projections for America (and the blogosphere) in 2006:

  • USC will pound Texas in the Rose Bowl, causing hundreds of thousands of Texans to question their ridiculous obsession with football. President Bush declares a state of emergency in Austin. UT president Larry R. Faulkner declares UT-Austin, "is really a film school, anyway."

  • Interest rates begin a moderate decline, fueling more fire to the real estate boom. The Guvenator sells off all state land holdings for $2 trillion to keep California's welfare state afloat for another year. State spending promptly triples. Former governor Jerry Brown pitches the idea of toll roads at every stop light. San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom pitches the idea of a heterosexual marriage tax. Former Los Angeles Police Chief Daryl Gates offers to "crack a few heads" in Sacramento -- free of charge. Actor William Baldwin threatens to leave California forever if the budget is cut, prompting the state police to offer free escort to the Nevada border. Nevada protests.

  • The cost of a barrel of oil will continue to decline. Millions of Americans will continue to complain about the cost of a gallon of gas on their way to the local SUV dealer.

  • Heath Ledger will win the Academy Award for his role in Brokeback Mountain, because nothing is more Hollywood than a gay cowboy. However, it does not receive support from the gay community because cowboy fashion is "so 1994."

  • The Minutemen on the Arizona border lose their talk radio signal in a moment of panic and turn their guns on each other. Hundreds of illegal aliens turn south, vowing never to raise families in such a violent country. Dozens of Scottsdale lawn care companies file for bankruptcy due to the lack of cheap, tax-free labor.

  • Apple launches their OSX platform on Intel's X86 architecture. Apple fanatics rave about a leveled playing field, industry experts predict global domination, and millions of Americans admit they didn't know Apple made anything else besides the iPod. Apple improves their share of the world's OS market from 3.5% to 4%, causing their stock value to triple. One ardent Apple user, an avant garde artist in Eugene, Ore., discovers the spreadsheet. His brain explodes 30 seconds later.

  • Microsoft changes little, continues to ignore glaring security weaknesses, still makes a gazillion dollars for essentially the same OS they stole from Apple over 20 years ago.

  • The Pirates of the Carribean sequel races to record returns as the summer's hit movie, thanks to more of the swishy swashbuckler played by Johnny Depp. Hollywood insiders praise the movie for promoting gay piracy.

  • CBS News breaks the story that President George W. Bush actually voted for Mickey Mouse in the last presidential election. In response, Bush shrugs and confesses a belief presidential policy doesn't really affect him.

  • The Hollywood Actor's Guild bans the use of phone answering machines by guild members, "because we're really tired of being embarassed."

  • When approached for a sequel to "The Passion," actor/director/producer/theologian Mel Gibson is stunned to learn there's more to the story after Christ dies on the cross. "I guess I should have really finished the book before picking up the camera," he will say through a press release.

  • U.S. Sen. John McCain, the self-appointed American Sports Czar, declares bowling a dangerous sport in need of federal regulation.

    In the blogosphere ...

  • The Pyromaniac, Phillip Johnson, continues with his more mellow writing style. Bored hordes of readers fishing for a reason to become indignant stop reading altogether. The U.S. Surgeon General gives Johnson a special award for lowering blogger blood pressure across the globe.

  • Adrian Warnock continues his search for angry, battle-ready cessationists. The Gad(d)about makes a glib -- but very friendly (and charismatic) -- reference to Don Quixote.

  • The Thinklings continue to humor themselves with dignity and class. Dan at Cerulean Sanctum is offered to be "Thinkled," only to see it rescinded because he doesn't speak the foreign language of Texas. An investigation uncovers the reality Texans speak plain English, just at 2/3 the rate of normal Americans, and often conjoining words not often considered phonetically possible. UT fans blame the incident on biased California voters.

  • Brad at Broken Messenger continues to write the best theoblog in the blogosphere.

  • One prominent Republican blogger will express concern over a minor White House policy, causing him to lose his rightwingrepublicanelite credentials and is ridiculed by the Real Republican Club. (OK, this happens pretty much every day).
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