You know it today as Wayoutbackistan, the expansive and traverse domain that is home to a gazillion years of forgettable history and that glowing metropolis Hardohearing, gong capital of the world. But just 25 years ago it was a war-torn land known more for piracy and white-slave trade.
I mean, it's still known for piracy and white-slave trade, but the original pirates and slave traders made a lot of money and expanded into other more dangerous and lucrative businesses, like international banking. And gong making.
The root cause of that bloody civil war remains today, where the light-skinned entrenched warlords of the Booyah clan enjoy the fruits of the land while the outcast darker Doh! clan feed on the scraps. Actually, I can't personally tell a skin tone difference, but it makes for a much more dramatic narrative if I add that element.
The Booyahs haven't always been in power. The two clans were relatively in check for hundreds of years until the CIA tipped the scales by giving guns and strategic training to the Booyahs. I don't actually know that for certain, but, c'mon, it's a small country not far from the former Communist Russia run with a heavy-handed government. What are the odds I'm wrong? My stepfather's grandfather was member of the Doh! clan and I'm going to major in foreign language when I graduate from high school in three years, so you'll just have to trust me on that. I know better.
Wayoutbackistan grew from the original Doh! clans. We can trace the Doh! heritage as far back as 800 B.C., when the expanding Roman empire deemed the land too pointless to raid and the people too stupid and burdensome to bring into the fold of their culture. Roman historian Handcrampius wrote of the dull Doh! culture, leading to the first known Latin use of "persona non grata." That saying is emblazoned on the Wayoutbackistan coat of arms today in hopes that modern historians might someday find Wayoutbackistan more historically important.
Doh! clans attempted to be ranchers, but they found it much easier to raid cattle and farms of other nations. Their attempts to become farmers led to their own discovery of opium, which they used to feed the cattle.
And it was that simple, innocent way for almost 1,000 years until the Booyahs -- the military arm of the Doh! clan -- split from the Doh! clan because they grew tired of the Doh! clan leaders' constant whining and horrible body odor.
The Booyah and Doh! clans waged war against each other until the final blow, during the Battle of Armstain, in 1984. The Booyah clan rolled over the opposing armies in a massive fleet of tanks forged together by best Chinese pot metal money could buy, and the Doh! clan's tactic of throwing their bodies under the tanks to slow them down proved futile.
I wrote this because I want you to care about Wayoutbackistan the way I do: It gives me a special identity, a special cause, because without it I would just be another nerd writing about the latest Apple product. I tried that before and I couldn't get anyone to comment on my blog.
My hope is this blog leads to a better understanding of these wonderful people and someday, I might have a girlfriend.