tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10885573.post5903146307676647559..comments2023-09-10T05:31:48.662-07:00Comments on The Gad(d)about: Dating as a Christian adultMatthew Selfhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15826142025854336984noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10885573.post-88807654246164645872010-04-07T14:24:41.763-07:002010-04-07T14:24:41.763-07:00friend is Ben by the way.friend is Ben by the way.friendhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07255854460765834003noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10885573.post-15466822291211975142010-04-07T14:24:21.824-07:002010-04-07T14:24:21.824-07:00I just think some woman is going to find a really ...I just think some woman is going to find a really cool fellow in you. That's the great part of this - but doing the dance of "initial" dating seems like that would be intimidating to me.friendhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07255854460765834003noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10885573.post-79912128018961566852010-03-19T16:28:24.588-07:002010-03-19T16:28:24.588-07:00Carol, the medical bills are not my own. ;)
Thank...Carol, the medical bills are not my own. ;)<br /><br />Thanks, John, I suspect you have a stronger idea of what I'm referring to. I think right now I'm settling on these issues as a 'you' problem -- the women I date -- but I'm open to comments and suggestions to the contrary.Matthew Selfhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15826142025854336984noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10885573.post-46753754216783121222010-03-19T14:14:21.527-07:002010-03-19T14:14:21.527-07:00Hey Matt,
I need to lay a bit of groundwork here s...Hey Matt,<br />I need to lay a bit of groundwork here so that my comments are taken in context - bear with me. I will also stipulate going in that I am both biased, and I have a small amount of insight in being Jess' Dad. That advantage isn't because of some keen insight or gift, rather, it is borne of simply being one who has been up-close-and-personal for the past few years, albeit intermittently, with you and Jess.<br /><br />I absolutely marveled at the dynamic between the two of you, and obviously share your loss. We have also, again obviously, taken very different paths through grief - you having lost your wife and daily companion as a widower, me as a father, having lost my firstborn child - the label for which is conspicuous in it's absence.<br /><br />When I saw you in late July, I was surprised and frankly concerned that there might be an element of denial in your grieving process - because you were doing, well, so... well, all things considered. Yet I believe I know you well enough and have watched since then - and frankly believe I have seen the opposite - a guy who is and has been facing your loss head-on - w-i-t-h G-o-d's h-e-l-p. As to *normal* grief, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross' book would in my opinion make a good fire starter. Not that there aren't good points in it, yet you just cannot put grief in a nifty little one-size-fits-all sanitized box. The stages she cites often overlap, some do not manifest at all, etc. Besides, while I believe the level of grief one experiences is roughly equivalent to their degree of loss, the models, the levels, the formulas do not take being a committed believer into consideration. THAT is huge.<br /><br />Okay, that's my context.<br /><br />You comment about lack of baggage as well as lack of worry over Jessica's eternal disposition are very large assets in moving forward. I know you're not some doop-dee-doo guy who is *stuffing* the grief as I'd worried. To the best of my knowledge you're also not being led of your impulses - another big plus. I am overjoyed at your desire to date, and to ultimately develop that oneness which you crave. Of course it will look different - it is good that you identify that up front. While a woman might pause over the thought of possibly being, as you say, plan B, there are big pluses to your situation as well. Like not having a failed relationship with Jess - even with all the intense trials and pressures the two of you endured. That fact alone should encourage any woman who gives you a second look. Also there is the fact that you took seriously the concept of *serving* your wife.<br /><br />In my opinion, your questions and comments are honest ones, and the result of no small amount of prayer, soul-searching, and deep introspection. Grief can and will on occasion strike - that's the nature of it, why it's called being *grief-stricken*. And, as you continue to look to God for strength and guidance, I have little worry that you will discover His best for you.Johnboyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10299578328720064698noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10885573.post-60853352272943189132010-03-19T05:13:40.199-07:002010-03-19T05:13:40.199-07:00But I'm 40 and weighed down with medical bills...<i>But I'm 40 and weighed down with medical bills, out of shape, and just no longer looking at the best physical years of my life. I sacrificed much of my career momentum to make things work in my marriage.</i><br /><br />After reading this my response is to caution jumping into the <i>dating stream</i> right away. Give yourself some time to heal and begin working towards wholeness, in a community setting, of course. Otherwise, when the next big hurt comes along, it will mingle with un-resolved past hurts and be more severe than it otherwise might have been. I agree that communication needs to be <i>organic</i> but one needs <i>healthy soil,</i> in which to grow that good organic stuff. <br /><br />Maybe this rush towards strong communication is a way of saying we're not immature teenagers anymore (hopefully) so let's not waste time with fluffy subjects. That's not to say we can't be child-like and have some fun. Laughter is SO important, not to mention healthy for the mind/body/spirit. Whatever the case, as we live, we learn, hopefully with lots of laughter thrown in. <br /><br />Grace and Peacecarolsshttp://carolss.typepad.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10885573.post-69317590692675745462010-03-17T19:35:11.812-07:002010-03-17T19:35:11.812-07:00You made me look it up. ;) You are correct! It'...You made me look it up. ;) You are correct! It's based on gender.<br /><br />I think it's good to be alone for a spell. I think it's good to not be afraid of being alone. The fear of being alone can be traced to perhaps half of all of life's bad decisions. Ha!<br /><br />But it's just not what I want.<br /><br />I've made a commitment to not comparing every woman to Jess, but I confess it's strange having women I date withhold things from me or not include me in their inner circle. I know, at least for now, it's a matter of time, but I do sometimes wonder if it's me adjusting to a new role or if it really is them and I should be raising red flags.Matthew Selfhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15826142025854336984noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10885573.post-26537031290977140962010-03-17T17:45:08.341-07:002010-03-17T17:45:08.341-07:00This really is a brave post Matt.
I'm glad t...This really is a brave post Matt. <br /><br />I'm glad to hear you're ready to get back out there, but I can understand the hesitation. The level of intimacy one builds over a period of years with a spouse is deep and takes long and sometimes hard work. Still, for many of us it's just not good to be alone.<br /><br />(One last thing, technically, aren't you a widower not a widow?)Jason Cokerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16370323488770691359noreply@blogger.com